Seeking Freedom from Co-Dependency?

Relational "Bill Of Rights"

"Declaration of Interdependence"

I have the right to:
• Feel respected as a person.
• To be appreciated and not taken for granted.
• Effective communication with others.
• To have my privacy respected and to have boundaries.
• To not be one upped or one downed.
• Feel good about myself and my relationships.
• To expect trust validation and support from those who are my friends.
• To grow within and outside of relationships.
• To my own separate opinions, thoughts, feelings, and choices.
• To choose to stay or leave any relationship.

I posted this some time ago and find myself referring it to people who struggle with co-dependency issues. I have edited it to a more universal generalized version. If these concepts are part of your core constitution, manipulators cannot use FOG (Fear, Obligation, or Guilt) to get their needs met with you. Niether will you use FOG on other's as you will do to them as you wish them to do to you.

I also like the ideas expressed in the following behaviors that I think result from a healthy sense of relational rights.

The Ten Habits of Emotionally Intelligent People

1. Label their feelings, rather than labeling people or situations.
2. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings.
3. Take responsibility for their feelings.
4. Use their feelings to help them make decisions. (gasp!)
5. Show respect for other people's feelings.
6. Feel energized, not angry.
7. Validate other people's feelings.
8. Practice getting a positive value from their negative emotions.
9. Don't advise, command, control, criticize, judge or lecture to others.
10. Avoid people who invalidate them, or don't respect their feelings.

While this is elementary to some, those of us who were damaged or neglected as children often missed these lessons or have yet to learn them.

These are kluged together from several books one of which I found particularly helpful is the classic "Breaking Free Of The Co Dependency Trap" By Barry & Janae Weinhold. The notion that you can be healed, restored, and recovered from co-dependant behaviors is a message often missed in recovery publications.

Depression

At the Celebrate Recovery group I attended this last Friday, I shared about my "sobriety" over depression. I have a tremendous amount of compassion with beings who struggle with this. It is debilitating, frightening, and can be relentless. Most people who have not struggled with depression tend to think you just need to have and express feelings of happiness to be better. But actually in my experience, it is the opposite, repressing feelings of anger are most often the source of depression.

Outsiders can feel frustrated and confused about reaching out to those who struggle with this disability. (What can be done by them is another post.)

I see depression as a brutal form of internalizing hatred. That is why it can often lead to suicide.

Depression is often a "side effect" of recovering from addiction. In other words, leaving the "high" of whatever your drug of choice is; (yes workahol, controlling obsessive compulsive behavior, even church activities can be on the list of "drugs".) leaves you in the "low" of reality. It takes some time to learn to do real life, and experience both it's pleasures and pains. This is why addicts often simply switch addictions, rather then experiencing depression. And it is why I always say the only way through depression, is through depression. there are no short cuts.

Medication is sometimes seen as a cure, when all it can really provide is some relief from the painful symptoms. Often times it can create dependency issues, and therefore I believe should be used cautiously and sparingly. But it should be used if it is needed to keep you functional and alive.

I have found that using these 7 steps can help to break out of the depression cycle:

1) Take care of your self.

Self care is a pillar of recovery. Codependents spend too much energy on everyone else's needs and make this a way of life. Going without food, sleep, exercise, hobbies, challenging activities, is not a sacrificial form of living. It is a way of killing your individuality and yourself. Instead of "being" and experiencing life, codependants become "human doings" and often the cycle of rescuing and helping everyone else leaves them discouraged, isolated, and depressed.

2) Do something.

While "over doing" can lead to dysfunction, stagnating, "holing up" and doing nothing is the polar opposite. Trying new things, learning, and being involved can rekindle your passions and excitement about the gift of life, but you must take the first step. Sometimes I thought "hey I am too dysfunctional to do anything, I will only fail and feel further regret and resentment" but that was only a trap. True, you may fail, but failures always have lessons. Give yourself the freedom to perform poorly, or get mediocre results, that is part of real life. Who knows maybe your activity may have wonderful unexpected results?

3) Become aware of your "self talk" and and challenge the distortions.

I encourage you to document negative attitudes, thoughts, and feelings about yourself. Often they are so subtle and quick, it may take a month to become fully aware of the terrible things you say to yourself. Most depressed people would never say or entertain thoughts of such awful proportion towards others, but regularly do about themselves. I believe documenting "micro-lies" and than re-writing your "internal script" is the number one source of freedom from depression. King David's book of Psalms in the old testament is an example of this process. There is a lot of literature available on this, learning how to identify and replace negative self scripts is a must do in your program.

4) Limit the depressive symptoms. Feel your feelings be aware of what is hurting you, but do not allow yourself to slide into a pit or "over focus" and obsess on the negative.

5) Refocus. Surrender your life, your relationships, your money, your possessions, your job- is a great place to start. Often times failure to "let go" is a source of years of obsession. Feelings of loss through divorce, death, or crisis can make us feel we cannot afford to lose anything else, but like the proverbial monkey with the grape, we cannot find new nurture until we let go of that which is trapping us.

6) Socialize, being around others gives us hope strength and energy.

Or read this as "stop trying to overcome this by yourself". Next to negative self talk, isolating is the number 2 largest offender in this process. Often times painful relationships were the source of so much of my pain and loss, I would isolate to avoid further potential problems. But what I have learned is to evaluate my relationships; on a scale of 1 to 5 this relationship is:

1.Toxic?

2. Partially toxic?

3. Neither toxic or nurturing?

4. Provides some nurture?

5. Nurturing?

Give yourself permission to stay out of relationships with 1s and 2s until you are healthy. This may be hard to do with close family or friends, But trust me, making a boundary, may save your life if you are involved with other people who are mentally ill.

7) Sing, read psalms, pray seek the living God. (If you have faith-but maybe if you don't you should try it?) Just because you have faith doesn't mean you are growing spiritually. In fact sometimes people involved with church put spiritual practices dead last on the list. Explore, discover, and nurture your spiritual being, and you might be surprised how it effects your thinking and mental health.

Talk, Trust, Feel...

In repressive societies, dictators, and their governments attempt to control information. They use the common covert tools of the manipulator: FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt.) as well as overt tactics. Iran’s current blocking of cell phone texting and social media during the election is one example.

Unfortunately, well meaning church environments can stumble down this same aggressive path. Usually a couple well meaning, but codependent leaders will lead this in the name of “security”.

I have seen churches employ:

- video cameras in bathrooms
- hidden taperecorders at meetings
- private meetings
- threats, violence, unjust firing, gossip campaigns.
- banning of books, movies, music, audio, and people with different thoughts.

While these are extreme examples, it can be shocking (even for those involved) how far the attempt to control can take church leadership.

Generally though the more common control methods are interpersonal, and dolled out through subtle, indirect signals and long term undefined “policies”.

In these environments it is common for people to:

Be afraid to talk, write, or express their real thoughts.
Pretend like there is trust, but secretly trust no one, and therefore become increasingly isolated.
Be afraid to to reveal expressions of feelings, like anger, indignation, or sadness.

This is why recovery principles are so important for healthy ministries. And recovery is not just for "the addicts".

“We are powerless over others” doesn’t seem like the banner over church board meetings, but it should be. And in healthy environments it is.

“You cannot control people and things” is extremely difficult for controller/manipulators to accept. Entire people groups dedicate unlimited resources to these quests.

Generally these are deep core issues, reaching back to childhood and family dysfunctions, that are then replicated and played out in the church family. So they don’t get resolved overnight, they take prayer, gentle and direct confrontation, and love.

2ndJourney Broadcast

Others either on their own second journey, or observing this one, are invited to get more juicy tidbits, and particapate in the dialogue by following 2ndJourney on Twitter: @2ndjourney and the Tumblr microblog at 2ndjourney.tumblr.com.

Addiction:

Recent studies of alcohol and substance abuse have shown us that addictive behavior can take other less recognizable forms. Popular terms like "OCD", "Workaholic", "Control Freak", and "Pervert" are examples. Sexual expression can be wonderful and healthy experience inside the right context. But for many it is a curse;

Are you sexually addicted:

1. Do you go from one relationship to another?

2. Do you feel "The Right" relationship will finally fill all your needs?

3. Do you use sex as an escape?

4. After sexual experience do you feel guilty?

5. Has your pursuit of sex interfered with your relationship to a spouse or potential partner?

6. Do you find you are unable to resist sexual invitations or sexual materials.

7. Have you tried to limit or stop unhealthy sexual behaviors or have you previously sought out help to control your sexual behaviors? Have you wanted to?

8. Have you put yourself, or others, in dangerous situations in pursuit of sex?

9. Do you have trouble completing tasks, focusing, concentrating at work because you are thinking about sex?

10. Do spend time viewing pornography.

11. Do you feel you have lost control of your actions to fulfil your needs for sex?

12. Have ever been arrested for a sexual offense?

If your answer is yes to three or more of these questions, you are encouraged to seek recovery.

Anne Jackson on Battling Porn Addiction

- Check out Anne's Blog Flowerdust

- Parent resources at theporntalk

- The book and website "Dirty Girls: the new porn addicts"

iSerenity: Online noise wall

This website has a selection of ongoing or looped audio of waterfalls, fans, trains, background noise. To be used for relaxation or for those working in noisy distraction filled environments. This is a good tool if you find listening to music too distracting while you work like me. The Flash slide show is less then well done, I would prefer a full screen option and actual videos.

Spirit Of The 80's

If you have not heard about my microblog that features classic spiritual music from the 80's you might want to bookmark/RSS it: SpiritOfThe80s.tumblr.com

1) Hear about weird history from 20 years ago.
2) Non-believers, Skeptics, Undecided, and TO'd at God types, can add an obscure, hard to find, and sometimes brilliant music category to their library.
3) Old School Believers can ruminate and say things like "Yeah those were the days.(Cough)"
4) Earlier Adopter Believers can claim a vast knowledge of the musical period, still be seen as mildly uninterested, and comment on it's irony.
5) The rest of you can just cringe and roll your eyes.

Did I cover everyone?

Today remind yourself: I accept help.

Re:Form

I was asked to share my experience about the re:form conference recently held at my home fellowship Vineyard Boise.

The reform initiative is the result of a vision Pastor Tri Robison set out in a prospectus I received when being invited to help develop the web communications, which have been primarily headed by Centaur Media and Jason Chatraw a journalist recently assigned by donation to serve this venture.

After reading the prospectus I was moved and excited about the magnitude, truth, and bravery, only critical that media plan seemed a little light particularly in the area of broadcast radio. Later Emily Hopping invited me to volunteer and participate.

Re:form challenges the church to re:think it positions on environmentalism, human justice, and calls us to the advent:ure of action.

After leaving as Network Director for Freedom Radio (Edgewater Broadcasting) where my vision was for social justice in radio media recently, many of these issues have been heavy on my heart. I feel we the church could love more, sin less, and dance on the head of the serpent. Consequently, I have personally taken a challenge to start withe me.

I met people from Georgia, California, and Maryland all gathered not to grimly fulfill a solemn agenda, but to simply to learn and become aware. Not that these people were not focused or passionate. It just was not the militant hemp-fest one might expect. The gathering was well managed, well planned, open, and comfortable. Great food, worship, and a great experience. I was honored and privileged to participate.

The number one most important thing entering my head/heart space from the conference was this: It does not matter how poor you are, you do not have to wait to give to others. An example was shared about a church in a third world nation who collected pennies that totaled a $2 offering, afterwords supplies were purchased with this money to create a large vat of soup which was prepared and placed in the middle of the street, orphans and hungry children showed up in droves to receive the meager offering. Honestly as I write this I am homeless, penniless, and jobless (but not Godless.) and previously felt I had to wait to reach out to those in need. I now realize if I will open my heart, and be a vessel for God today, he will open the doors for me. I don't have to wait. $6 will provide a an ecologically sound and efficient cook stove. You know that $6 burger that sounds so good? What if you skipped it once and bought a cook stove for a family in extreme poverty? How about once a month?

The other important items I came away with were the fitting of puzzle pieces, how poor management of resources impacts communities, which in turn cause poverty and in turn create vulnerabilities that are exploited and end in human trafficking and slavery. That this system of brutality, can and is being overcome. I became painfully aware of the direct consequences of our nations voracious appetite for pornography and how that industry is driving trafficking internationally- and at home. As someone who confesses having viewed pornography, I can testify that the "Big lie" is that since it is all virtual or cyber with consenting adults there is no harm done. The truth is there is virtually no such thing as consenting (few if any, in her right mind, are going to pick sex slave as career focus.) and that every click and every dollar spent creates an economy that is fed by pimps and traffickers who prey on children and those made vulnerable by poverty. Sometimes when God instructs us we should just obey, because after we disobey and see what could have been avoided the regret is to grand. I can only hope for grace for the thousand millstones that should hang from my neck. But now I know, and so do you.

Consider become an abolitionist against slavery. Say No to exploitation and Yes to doing something about it.

It occurred to me today that the label "activist" might be the perfect 'front' for Christianity. Brandi Swindell shirks the label preferring 'Christian' and I agree, being marginalized as an opinionated fanatic with an agenda can't be good. But if the shoe fits... her outreach the Stanton Clinic provides help for women in crisis and she just returned from Beijing where she was arrested for praying for the mothers of forced abortion there in communist China during the Olympics. Or my friend Dennis Mansfield who started New Hope a business providing halfway homes for those out of prison. People standing in the gap for others, while reaching back to call others to action. That is what re:form is all about. Rob Morris (President Love146.org) pointed out that the only place in the Bible where God is shocked or surprised is when he looked across the face of the nations and found that no one was available to stand in the gap for justice mercy and humility.

Okay I know your touched, but the cynic in you begs the political questions. (Fair enough, when the most common placard at the Republican Convention were placards emblazoned with "DRILL".) Aren't liberals masquerading as 'reformers' to win votes? Likely. Aren't Conservatives joining in to win votes, likely. But there is no ideology behind love, it damns the bonds of agendas, illuminates the darkened schemes of mice and men, and in it's clarity gifts freedom to the oppressed.

Go ahead reach out to your community, your environment, your world, regardless of party affiliation, I think you will find the voices of partisan politics dip to a duller murmur. Do politics play a part in these issues of humanity? As Scott Sabin (Executive Director Floresta) pointed out; in some cases almost exclusively in some developing nations. While rising above the pettiness seems most often the high road, as pointed out by Jim Jewell (COO Evangelical Environmental Network), everyone I met at the conference struggles with the issues, but are reaching across the isle for the sake of good. Because that is just it- we have to stop waiting for politicians to do what we can do ourselves. Go ahead God made you to love. Reach.

On the subject of addressing political attitudes Peter Illyn (Director Restoring Eden) suggested the extremes; that some feel that mankind is the feted blemish upon this earth, and were we wiped out, nature would be healthy and restored, while other seethe earth as a machine to wait upon abusively until we go to heaven. Then, unexpectedly out of the news of death, sickness, and depravity, Peter focused on the most refreshing message of the week for me, which I leave you with; God's wonder; showing powerpoint slide after slide after slide, of animals, mountains, earth and sky. That was a simple sermon with magnitude and volume. The earth was given to enjoy. To laugh about, to puzzle and delight us, and fill us with awe and wonder. We are the people of this world and God made it good.

(Check out my micro blog for a constant stream of reform type content: reform.tumblr)

The Four Words:

I have mentioned this before but think it is worth repeating: Many people want to understand the 12 Steps and how they work, but get confused by the process. I have broken the steps into 4 easy to remember words for the impatient, in a hurry, and forgetful; Okay for myself, but I am willing to share:

Truth : Without it you are in denial, and you can trust no one, even yourself. Hard core addicts and slightly neurotic alike are plagued with subtle lies, distortions, and compromises. Muster the courage to see the big picture about you- no matter how painful. You cannot repaint your house in the dark. It might hurt but it will be no worse then the pain you have been avoiding so far.

Trust : Learning to truly believe God has your back, that you can trust yourself, and that you can trust others. This means giving up on broken relationships for good ones, and letting good people be good and come to their own opinions. Pursuit of God, and a friendliness and commitment to yourself.

Surrender : All your fears, failures, hopes, and 'if onlys'. Put them on the chopping block. In giving them away you may be able to attain them. But a deep and true acceptance that your way won't work is needed to change. Give up. Steve Taylor once wrote "Since I gave up Hope I Feel a Lot Better". You cannot do this unless you really trust God.

Care : Caring for yourself and others in equal terms, is the fulcrum where all the great humans have stood. You cannot care for others if you neglect yourself, and you cannot love yourself if you are neglecting others. You might think you take care of others and yourself, but if you are in denial, and lying, and trying to carry it all alone- you won't know what care is. Try the first three and see how your view of care changes.

Quotes:

"I caution you; there is inherent danger in black and white thinking. Failure to see the nuance, the shades of grey, the subtleties that life is abundant with, these places are where truth abides."

anonymous

The Baseball

The Baseball

The talented local filmmaker Brandon Freeman created this stirring short. It is a 10 minute reminder about life, consequences, and choices. (It also stars acquaintance Colin Mansfield.)

quotes:

“It is not so much our friends help that helps us, as the confidence of their help.”

— Epicurus